The Gabbar episode

My fascination for lining up my office room with potted plants started impromptu and refused to subside for a while. The best ceramic pots and their contents that were peacefully residing in the comfort of my balcony were shifted to their new location using state of the art logistics aka Maruti Alto, through a mission mode approach (I love this phrase and like all fellow scientists, is totally clueless about what it is!).

Being dedicated to the cause, i decided to give it my hundred percent. I made an extensive timeline for shuttling them from room to corridor - for the precise amount of sunlight. Watering demanded an HPLC grade level of accuracy- an extra drop spelt death! The demand for outdoor time slowly increased and soon, most days they were left outside for their day long sun bath.

Not at all used to this kind of workplace antics, my office mates were totally amused.

A word of caution was put forth to the adrenaline-pumped me, to be more careful about leaving the pots unattended. Plant lovers, we all know, are the biggest threat to many things on this planet, including biodiversity! But, can such souls even dream of pinching a leaf from MY pots!!!

The 'Gabbar Singh' in me, which doesn't need any rhyme or reason to perform, spoke with swag....'Isko choone wala abhi paida nahin hua' followed by many more Bollywood one- liners...where bad grammar and misplaced vocabulary competed neck to neck. (prabodh + praveen +parangadh se bhi kuch nahin hoga!) . The घ kshetr residents had nothing for a reply, since they didn't want to provoke any further abuse of the language.

Stepping out of the office late evening, i stood by the pots that were now more a part of the corridor... relishing the Gabbar feel.

To conclude....I have only one simple question to all

Who stole every single of those pots ? !!

P:S: "Maybe by someone who didn't dare to just pinch the leaf", is what everyone has to suggest...

Gabbar Singh is quite weak when it comes to come back dialogues!

Letter to the squirrel community

This is an ultimatum issued for the entire squirrel community...a warning to mend your ways...to treat your nerves...and to fix your brain...

 

The members of your species have failed to realize that evolution has not done much justice to you....neither physically nor intellectually... 

Yet...nothing stops you from rushing forward....and challenge the human race, their intellect, their sensibility and everything that holds their nerves together...

And somehow I feel...no...i truly believe..that I AM one of your special targets..the one that currently tops your hitlist!!!

There has been several encounters..none of them fake for sure...

Your comrades wait for me at several points on the 3 kilometer stretch that i pass each day...

 

Their strategy is the same...

1. Watch out for my Honda Pleasure....

2. When it comes into vicinty...dash for the road..as if you have to catch the metro on the other side..

3. Immedietly on reaching the centre point of the road.. with the Honda just an inch from your fur.... HALT!!!

4. Then  break into a jig..or maybe a salsa...( one guy even did the gagnam style!!!)

5. Glance back and make sure that the Honda has toppled..

6. Then race back and continue the bum shake from the safe side of the road...

 

As for me...its not only the brakes that have failed each time...but more so...my nerves!!!

 

I gained some insight into your psychology after watching ICE-AGE and the way two members of your species refused to let go of that nut (even as the movie progressed into its fourth phase) only left me more frustrated or rather terrorised!!!

 

The real terror happened when yesterday i saw one of you..at the centre of the road...crushed to death..with all viscera out !!!..(I SEARCHED AMONGST THE REMNANTS FOR A BRAIN AND AS EXPECTED..COULDN'T FIND ONE)..

 But then i realized to my horror....that you have shifted into the 'suicide attack' mode...and there lay the first member of your terrorist suicide cadre..

As for me...i am thinking of multiple strategies to face this threat..

1. Change the number plate

2. Put up an 'I surrender'placard with a white flag on the head light...(Not very heroic..but then.... i dont want martyrdom)

3. Hold a peace talk....with a member of another third species as the mediator ( maybe pigeons can help...You can relate easily to them  intellectually  and i too have certain regards for their pooping ability)

Any more suggestions are welcome...

LETS TALK THIS OUT...            

 

The return...

Our return to Delhi... though a big relief for us...has not at all done good to my blog.

The matchbox apartment (...of course so dear to my heart..) has gnawed into a lot of my emotional space as well...

Here stretching your legs, leave alone ur mind..is itself a challenge..

But whatever it may cost....i love Delhi..especially this campus...

It means a lot to me..

It is here that i built my dreams...fought for it..and now cherish it.

At Mau..definitely the air was more pure..the breeze more cool..the sky more bright..with rainbows to sight..

But somehow..i never felt a sense of belonging there...

I thank God for bringing us back here...It was just like coming home...

BUT NOT FOR ACHU...He had left Delhi when he was just one and a half..and had nothing here to identify with..

He missed his friends at Mau...and worst of all, here he had to undergo the draconian admission process..the magnitude of which even we could not anticipate..

The fact that we required an admission in prep and not nursery ..made things more difficult..coz vacancies were either limited or unavailable..

Here's the post mortem report...

The first battle of prep-

Venue- School auditorium( looking more like a mela ground with a riot of colours and perfumes)-

A big notice right at the entrance announced -"No Vacancies for the economically weaker section"..All other weaknesses were excused..

The watchman was doing the first level of screening using his own norms..which later we realized..is a privilege evry school in Delhi has endowed on their respective gatekeepers ..

We qualified...and made it till the building..

Immedietly, a wailing achu was escorted away by God-knows-who for a written test..

The prep admission test was for three complete hours!! What was more surprising was that Achu cleared it.

Next was the interview...

I have never attended a more solid interview till date. The interview board would even qualify UPSC criteria..going by their sincerity and authenticity...

Qn.1- Beta...tum kya karna sabse zyaada pasand kartha hein?

Beta- Sitting with a fixed glare----Nothing----

Qn. 2- Tv dekhthe hein?..(What a qn...)

Beta-(...after 3 min..)- Ha..

Qn.4- Which programme do you like?

Beta-..I like playing more than watching TV..

Qn.5- Phir bhi...cartoon tho dekhthe honge...

Beta- ( sitting stiff...without even letting his breath escape)- ......

Interview over...

With the result too obvious... a visibly upset appa and amma.. and a totally relaxed achu( joyous of having outsmarted the interview board by not giving away much of his confidential details...)..return home.

Amma- Achu, why didnt you tell ma'am about your favourite TV programme.

Achu- Then she would think that i am good only for that.

Amma- But you should have told her something...See..they wont give you admission now...

Achu- Is it? tab tho mujhe ye bolna chaahiye tha ki mein padaayi karna sabse zyaada pasand kartha hoon.They would have definitely taken me then.

The former was an obvious lie...but the latter was definitely the truth..

The second battle of prep-

At another school .. for interview..

Achu-(right at the entrance)- Come on, lets go back..i dont want to study here..its not good.

Amma- how do you know its not good ...you have never been here before.

achu- How do you know its good..you too have never been here before..

Amma- At least lets tell the principal and leave..

Principal's room..

Principal- hellooooo dear..what's ur name...

Only tears..no answers..

This time it was the principal's turn to be upset..we were better prepared..

Achu won a sympathy vote and got admission..

But he vehemently stood by his stand and refused the offer..

We lost the Rs.10,000 admission fee... which the school never refunded.

The third battle of prep

The school was in full session and the play ground was crowded..

Achu kept on scrutinizing the crowd and finally declared..'I dont want to study here'

Amma- Its a veryyyy good school achu..

Achu- No, it 's not..

By that time voices could be heard from across the wall..where the girl's school was seperately housed..

Achu- ( visibly excited)- They are there, amma!

But his plans never materialized coz school admissions were closed two months back itself...

But one lesson i learnt from that incident was tat only a co-ed school would suit achu..

Zeroed down to a single school..it was a nightmare for me till the results were out..

To my own disbelief..i lost two kg in a single fortnight ( ..a surprised Arun sincerely prayed for the results to be delayed a little further..)

Achu finally got admission ...because that school didnt have an interview at all...

This also brought back memories of his LKG interview at Mau-

Principal- How many eyes do you have?

Achu- Two..

principal-Hands?

Achu-Two..

Principal-Legs?

Achu- Sab do do he...

Principal- nose?

Achu-( after touching and feeling)- Arre..mera ek hii nose hein!!

Principal-( laughing heartily)- Sab ka uthna hii hotha hein achu..

Achu- (joining in the laughter)- Mein tho dar gaya tha....

Principal- OK Achu..tell me what you want to become when you grow up..

Achu- Bada hokke bhi mein achu hii rahna chaahtha hoon..mein aur kuch kyoun ban jaaoon...

Again laughter..

He joined school the next day...

Now that we are here..i don't think he will ever get a chance to speak his heart like this again...

Annual examination series

Subject- ' English Conversation'
Venue- Home, on exam eve

Amma- Lets practise few probable questions that may turn up tmrw, Achu
Qn 1- How old are you?
Achu- I'm fine, thank you.
Amma- listen properly...Its not How are you, its How OLD are you?
Achu-Tumko mein bahut OLD dikh raha he kya?
Amma- Achu, it means.. u ve to tell ur age...
Achu- There are 4 years old..
Amma- No No No.. Its ' I am 4 years old'
Achu- Tiik he, bas karo.. next question please

Amma-How many legs do animals have?
Achu- which animal?
Amma- hmmm.... say for eg. Cow?
Achu- closing his eyes and slowly counting...- 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
Amma- Where did you find the 5th leg?
Achu- Hotha hein, tum dhyaan nahin diya hoga..

Amma- What is the colour of your uniform?
Achu- White shirt, blue shorts, red belt and white chaddi.

Of achu, amma and nataraj..

Achu ( pointing to the inscription on his red and black striped pencil)- Amma, what is this?
Amma- It says 'Nataraj'
Achu- Throwing the pencil on the floor- 'Why should i write with Nataraj's pencil... u give me mine!!!'

I surrender!!!

Amma- Achu , where are you?
Achu- Mein ' Go and wash your hands kar raha hoon'!!!

Amma- achu, have u finished your drawing?
( he has been sitting with his colouring set for the past one hour.. but with only half the tail ofthe kite coloured)
amma- if you are not in a mood for this now, u better leave it
Achu- chup!!! iskeliye bahut coction ka zarroorat hein
amma- did you mean concentration?
achu-ha ha.. woh he... amma mujhe lag raha hein ki ek din main zaroor ek painter ban jaoge!!..
amma- ( glancing repeatedly at the half tail and at him ..) -really?
Achu ( giving a questioning look)- kuch shak he?
amma- not at all!!


Achu ( lying down for sleeping)- amma, shall i narrate a story for you today..
amma- so sweet of you achu
Achu ( in a dramatic whisper) - Once there was a lion...!!! ..a pause follows...I open my eyes in anticipation...
Achu- Once there was a lion, amma. bas ... abhi chup chaap so jao!!!

Amma- ( again during bed time)- did you say ur prayers achu
Achu- ' God, please dont send any witches in my dream today...why you are making me tell you this again and again"...Then slowly lowering his voice-" God today let there be only girls in my dream!!!


Achu- ( watching a stray dog with lots of blisters on its skin)- Seems his mother is too careless and has given him a bath in verry hott water...

Divine interventions.....

I should admit that we ve never talked or referred about religion, in any form, to Achu..But he has admirable clarity on this topic..and in fact.. he keeps reminding me of some of these religious-fundamentals and warns me NEVER to supercede God's decisions...

A few of those DIVINE INTERVENTIONS ...

1. God never punishes kids

2. When there is a fighting between 2 kids .. God would support the smaller one..

3. If both the kids are of the same age( like how most of his friends are), they will have to fight it out till the end ..themselves.., coz God will be too confused to take a stand

4. When God gets VERRYYYYY angry , he disconnects the internet connection ...then no more online games!!!

5. In Mau, sky is too open.. and God has the extra advantage of seeing EVERYTHING...( that way.. Delhi is much more safe)

6. God never does susu or potty.. and hence wouldnt have ever worn a diaper..

Number skills...

I read somewhere that we should start inculcating mathematical skills in a child right from when he is 3 months old...
I scorned at the statement then....
But friends...dont be a fool like me..There is an element of truth behind it...the main reason being that they can only listen to you then ...and cannot stump you with out-of-the-blue answers...
A few excerpts for your proof..

Excercise 1
Amma- Achu, what comes after 3?
Achu ( with genuine interest)- 3 na?...( Then goes into deep thought.. or so his mother thinks.. coz he stares into her face .. widening his eyes...without even a blink..)..
A minute or two passes...
Amma- ( patting him in encouragement) Yes Achu.. come on...
Achu- Shut up and let me concentrate...
Another two minutes..
Amma-What exactly are you thinking?...My question was what comes after 3...
Achu- ( fully irritated) This you should have told me before.. See.. now i have to count all over again...
Amma-( Swallowing hard and holding her breath for a second ..)-OK.. Ok...just tell me the number that follows three...
Achu-( with a very serious enquiring expression..) Tum ko kya lag raha hey?...3 ke baad kya ho sakhtha hey?
A thud and a scream follows...


Exercise 2
Amma- What comes after 20
Achu - ( In a flash of a second)-40
Amma- With an unusual patience- No Achu --its 21
Achu- ( in a heavy bhojpuri accent)..Kyon ..40 phir 20 se pehle aatha hey kya?

Exercise 3
Amma-Circle the biggest number-2,6, 8
Achu- 8.. and promptly circles it
Amma- Excellent Achu- Now do this 4,7, 1
Achu-1... and hurriedly circles it.
Amma- How did you conclude that 1 is bigger than 4 and 7
Achu- Log zyada tharah biggest number last mein hii likhthe hein..

Sometimes.. in desperation...i turn to his father for some help..which is totally denied ..with the excuse that the damage has been caused by the 23 chromosomes inherited from the mother( experimentally proven.. and he has sufficient valid data to support the hypothesis)..and so the responsibility of fixing it too lies entirely with the mother....
Well...so be it...

Condolence..

I woke up at 3 AM today....
These pre-dawn hours have always given me a queer experience...
My mind gets filled with a stream of baseless... yet dark and tense thoughts..
which to my own surprise..vanishes with the break of dawn...
For over two hours i condoled the death of Dr. Sherry, the scientist..who .. under the pretext of prioritizing her motherhood... thrashed her scientist-self to death ..
She has an office for name sake...which she she shamelessly converted to her son's study room..
Every afternoon..both mother and son hold their homework sessions there..sitting amidst unfinished data books and file works...
Labmates are now quite used to their tantrums.. and extend their support in whichever way possible.. be it by retrieving lost office sheets.. from the dust bin ( if its found in the form of a boat or plane .. they deftly patch it up .. if its totally in bits.. they cut it still further so that no one recognizes it..)
If at all she holds discussions with her students.. its only for clarifying a hindi alphabet or a word..which has turned up for that day's homework..( Her hindi vocabulary is quite popular in office and she doesn't want to take any chance with her son..)
During the morning session when her son is not around.. she spends her time writing applications for endless issues..( repair of equipment, sanction for purchase of chemicals, approval for library books, buying mattresses in girl's hostel, collection for lab tea club..)
All this goes on till 1PM.. then she disappears to her home half an hour earlier than usual ...coz lunch has to be prepared and she needs that extra half hour for thawing the frozen fish...
Lunch session is till 3Pm...
3-5PM- Homework
5:05 PM- Back to kitchen for tea and snacks...
The only time i think of science and my career.. is those pre dawn hours.....which in fact is the only time i can spare to think about myself..
So why complain!!! Something is better than nothing...

Doosara shabdh...

Achu doesnt like english for the simple reason that he cannot make head or tail of it...

But the persistent efforts of his desperate mother forced him to open a dictionary of his own ..to which he keeps own adding a word or two each day...

Here are a few examples of his uncanny creation...

Amma- Achu what are you doing?

Achu- Naching amma..

( A quick glance through his dictionary .. and it says nach + ing for dancing, dekhing for watching, susuing for pissing, kheling for playing and so the list goes..)

Amma (after getting ready for the evening stroll)- Come on Achu, Lets move..

Achu ( with full irritation)- Kitna baar moov ( Muh) dhoyenge!!!

Amma - Count the figures achu

Achu- There are 6 balloon amma

Amma- 6 balloons achu, not balloon

achu ( quite excited )-i will never forget that amma!

Amma- count the next one

Achu- 7 phools...8 chammachs... 9 machaliis and 10 kattoriis

Achu ( returning from school)-Nowadays i speak in english in class amma..

Amma( shocked)-!!!!!!?????

Achu -I no longer sneak out through the backdoor for drinking water..instead i ask my ma'am for permission.. and that too in english!!!

Amma-( jumping in excitement)-I am proud of you achu.. tell me what exactly you ask..

Achu-Am i water Ma'am ? aur kya!!!!

And when he utters them in his own style... confident to the core...and with great pride for having mastered that 'Doosara shabdh'( which is his terminology for english)....i am left with no option other than digesting it as such...

The Independence "struggle"!!!

Twas a loooongg break...

With Rajmoni gone... i lost myself in the grime and mess of my kitchen...

And of course , in no mood to chat or blog..

But mind you, i was not the sole casualty of this situation...

Within a months time.. Achu has turned into a total brat!!!!

He was quick to sense my helplessness in continuing my military regime over him...

and in a few days time took over the responsibility of looking after himself ( thats what he stated in his Declaration of Independence)..

To be frank.. i was relieved for a moment..( My boy has grown up!!! Told the ' Mother's Pride ')

But there were so many loop holes well crafted into his Draft -of-independence...

and i was yet again proved to be a fool to have kept my hopes high...

His pseudo-independence was just an excuse to escape to our neighbour's house.. where he would take charge of their toys , television, snacks and what not...

He rarely visits his own home...

At times he steps in to check the day's menu... dissapproves it anyway and along with it laments over his mother's deteriorating culinary skills...then makes a violent exit...

If at all he is seen around the house for a longer period.. take it for granted that something is seriously wrong..

Last time when this happened was when he had bit his best friend on his arms ...

I have given a standing instruction to all his friends to deal with him themselves under such situations...

God save all of them!!!!

Parenthood

I love this poem by Kahlil Gibran...

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your childrenas living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let our bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.

Sherry Jacob
I wish i can be that stable bow, which would let the arrow take its best course...
I should love him enough to set him free... and not clip his wings so that he would be with me forever....

I should love him enough.. to love what he loves.. and to be there for him in ups and downs...

I should instil faith and confidence in my child.. and teach him to always face life head-on...never fom the back..

Help me God....

School Blues..

Achu has finished his first month in school.. and i somehow feel he hated every second of it.. at least he pretended to.

Daily he entered his classroom with tears in his eyes..

Would refuse to sit with any one for few minutes...

Then would look pleadingly at me and ask"why do I have to come here daily?"..for which i would give a candid statement-"Coz thats what everyone does"

which he totally disapproves and quickly provides me a list of neighbourhood hunks who ve nothing to do with school...

I convince him that THEY are SMALL and would meet the same fate next year..

Then he is shocked to realize that HE is BIG and scolds me for not having told him this before...

By this time I opt for a seat for myself... leaving him standing there ..

Luckily his madam makes the much awaited entry around this time.

Achu refuses to wish her even as all other kids join in the GOOOOODDDDD MOOOORRNNIINNGGG MAAAAAAAAAAMM chorus..

Teacher calls out Achu's name and demands a seperate good morning from him.. which he totally ignores.

As the teacher approaches with a No-Smiling face..he gives out 2-3 sobs and yells 'My stomach is aching' ( Stomach ache and head ache make alternate appearances)..

And as he sits there describing the ache-symptoms to his madam.. i make an unnoticed exit...

Ode to DSR..

I like DSR campus ...for its peace and serenity... for the pure air and clear sky ..the green fields and fragrant breeze..

Here the dawn 's so bright and dusk, so clear..
Call of the cuckoo sounds so near..
There's life in each moment...
there's joy in each thought....
No frets no worries...
and that says it all....

The mother I am...

Its been a few months since i inaugurated my blog.. but till date could'nt go beyond the welcome statement!! yes.. i accept i have proved unworthy of being 'The Blogger".. but where's the time yaaaarrrr

Its a mere 3 hours that i get at my disposal.. which i dont permit Dr. Sherry-the scientist , to grab away from me..

At 6 .. i literally run out of my lab...my conscience already scolding me for that 1 hour delay..

But that... i console myself .. is Achu's milk time.. which never happens if I am around..

Achu has somehow taken it into his head that he need not listen to Rajmoni is i am around.. He threatens her with dire consequences if she even attempts to bring his milk-glass anywhere near him..

I can only be a silent observer to all this drama.. coz i had gracefully accepted my defeat in this regard.. long back..

And the worst thing is Achu knows it too!!!

vanakkam..

Hi all...

Welcome to my world..