Annual examination series

Subject- ' English Conversation'
Venue- Home, on exam eve

Amma- Lets practise few probable questions that may turn up tmrw, Achu
Qn 1- How old are you?
Achu- I'm fine, thank you.
Amma- listen properly...Its not How are you, its How OLD are you?
Achu-Tumko mein bahut OLD dikh raha he kya?
Amma- Achu, it means.. u ve to tell ur age...
Achu- There are 4 years old..
Amma- No No No.. Its ' I am 4 years old'
Achu- Tiik he, bas karo.. next question please

Amma-How many legs do animals have?
Achu- which animal?
Amma- hmmm.... say for eg. Cow?
Achu- closing his eyes and slowly counting...- 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
Amma- Where did you find the 5th leg?
Achu- Hotha hein, tum dhyaan nahin diya hoga..

Amma- What is the colour of your uniform?
Achu- White shirt, blue shorts, red belt and white chaddi.

Of achu, amma and nataraj..

Achu ( pointing to the inscription on his red and black striped pencil)- Amma, what is this?
Amma- It says 'Nataraj'
Achu- Throwing the pencil on the floor- 'Why should i write with Nataraj's pencil... u give me mine!!!'

I surrender!!!

Amma- Achu , where are you?
Achu- Mein ' Go and wash your hands kar raha hoon'!!!

Amma- achu, have u finished your drawing?
( he has been sitting with his colouring set for the past one hour.. but with only half the tail ofthe kite coloured)
amma- if you are not in a mood for this now, u better leave it
Achu- chup!!! iskeliye bahut coction ka zarroorat hein
amma- did you mean concentration?
achu-ha ha.. woh he... amma mujhe lag raha hein ki ek din main zaroor ek painter ban jaoge!!..
amma- ( glancing repeatedly at the half tail and at him ..) -really?
Achu ( giving a questioning look)- kuch shak he?
amma- not at all!!


Achu ( lying down for sleeping)- amma, shall i narrate a story for you today..
amma- so sweet of you achu
Achu ( in a dramatic whisper) - Once there was a lion...!!! ..a pause follows...I open my eyes in anticipation...
Achu- Once there was a lion, amma. bas ... abhi chup chaap so jao!!!

Amma- ( again during bed time)- did you say ur prayers achu
Achu- ' God, please dont send any witches in my dream today...why you are making me tell you this again and again"...Then slowly lowering his voice-" God today let there be only girls in my dream!!!


Achu- ( watching a stray dog with lots of blisters on its skin)- Seems his mother is too careless and has given him a bath in verry hott water...

Divine interventions.....

I should admit that we ve never talked or referred about religion, in any form, to Achu..But he has admirable clarity on this topic..and in fact.. he keeps reminding me of some of these religious-fundamentals and warns me NEVER to supercede God's decisions...

A few of those DIVINE INTERVENTIONS ...

1. God never punishes kids

2. When there is a fighting between 2 kids .. God would support the smaller one..

3. If both the kids are of the same age( like how most of his friends are), they will have to fight it out till the end ..themselves.., coz God will be too confused to take a stand

4. When God gets VERRYYYYY angry , he disconnects the internet connection ...then no more online games!!!

5. In Mau, sky is too open.. and God has the extra advantage of seeing EVERYTHING...( that way.. Delhi is much more safe)

6. God never does susu or potty.. and hence wouldnt have ever worn a diaper..

Number skills...

I read somewhere that we should start inculcating mathematical skills in a child right from when he is 3 months old...
I scorned at the statement then....
But friends...dont be a fool like me..There is an element of truth behind it...the main reason being that they can only listen to you then ...and cannot stump you with out-of-the-blue answers...
A few excerpts for your proof..

Excercise 1
Amma- Achu, what comes after 3?
Achu ( with genuine interest)- 3 na?...( Then goes into deep thought.. or so his mother thinks.. coz he stares into her face .. widening his eyes...without even a blink..)..
A minute or two passes...
Amma- ( patting him in encouragement) Yes Achu.. come on...
Achu- Shut up and let me concentrate...
Another two minutes..
Amma-What exactly are you thinking?...My question was what comes after 3...
Achu- ( fully irritated) This you should have told me before.. See.. now i have to count all over again...
Amma-( Swallowing hard and holding her breath for a second ..)-OK.. Ok...just tell me the number that follows three...
Achu-( with a very serious enquiring expression..) Tum ko kya lag raha hey?...3 ke baad kya ho sakhtha hey?
A thud and a scream follows...


Exercise 2
Amma- What comes after 20
Achu - ( In a flash of a second)-40
Amma- With an unusual patience- No Achu --its 21
Achu- ( in a heavy bhojpuri accent)..Kyon ..40 phir 20 se pehle aatha hey kya?

Exercise 3
Amma-Circle the biggest number-2,6, 8
Achu- 8.. and promptly circles it
Amma- Excellent Achu- Now do this 4,7, 1
Achu-1... and hurriedly circles it.
Amma- How did you conclude that 1 is bigger than 4 and 7
Achu- Log zyada tharah biggest number last mein hii likhthe hein..

Sometimes.. in desperation...i turn to his father for some help..which is totally denied ..with the excuse that the damage has been caused by the 23 chromosomes inherited from the mother( experimentally proven.. and he has sufficient valid data to support the hypothesis)..and so the responsibility of fixing it too lies entirely with the mother....
Well...so be it...

Condolence..

I woke up at 3 AM today....
These pre-dawn hours have always given me a queer experience...
My mind gets filled with a stream of baseless... yet dark and tense thoughts..
which to my own surprise..vanishes with the break of dawn...
For over two hours i condoled the death of Dr. Sherry, the scientist..who .. under the pretext of prioritizing her motherhood... thrashed her scientist-self to death ..
She has an office for name sake...which she she shamelessly converted to her son's study room..
Every afternoon..both mother and son hold their homework sessions there..sitting amidst unfinished data books and file works...
Labmates are now quite used to their tantrums.. and extend their support in whichever way possible.. be it by retrieving lost office sheets.. from the dust bin ( if its found in the form of a boat or plane .. they deftly patch it up .. if its totally in bits.. they cut it still further so that no one recognizes it..)
If at all she holds discussions with her students.. its only for clarifying a hindi alphabet or a word..which has turned up for that day's homework..( Her hindi vocabulary is quite popular in office and she doesn't want to take any chance with her son..)
During the morning session when her son is not around.. she spends her time writing applications for endless issues..( repair of equipment, sanction for purchase of chemicals, approval for library books, buying mattresses in girl's hostel, collection for lab tea club..)
All this goes on till 1PM.. then she disappears to her home half an hour earlier than usual ...coz lunch has to be prepared and she needs that extra half hour for thawing the frozen fish...
Lunch session is till 3Pm...
3-5PM- Homework
5:05 PM- Back to kitchen for tea and snacks...
The only time i think of science and my career.. is those pre dawn hours.....which in fact is the only time i can spare to think about myself..
So why complain!!! Something is better than nothing...

Doosara shabdh...

Achu doesnt like english for the simple reason that he cannot make head or tail of it...

But the persistent efforts of his desperate mother forced him to open a dictionary of his own ..to which he keeps own adding a word or two each day...

Here are a few examples of his uncanny creation...

Amma- Achu what are you doing?

Achu- Naching amma..

( A quick glance through his dictionary .. and it says nach + ing for dancing, dekhing for watching, susuing for pissing, kheling for playing and so the list goes..)

Amma (after getting ready for the evening stroll)- Come on Achu, Lets move..

Achu ( with full irritation)- Kitna baar moov ( Muh) dhoyenge!!!

Amma - Count the figures achu

Achu- There are 6 balloon amma

Amma- 6 balloons achu, not balloon

achu ( quite excited )-i will never forget that amma!

Amma- count the next one

Achu- 7 phools...8 chammachs... 9 machaliis and 10 kattoriis

Achu ( returning from school)-Nowadays i speak in english in class amma..

Amma( shocked)-!!!!!!?????

Achu -I no longer sneak out through the backdoor for drinking water..instead i ask my ma'am for permission.. and that too in english!!!

Amma-( jumping in excitement)-I am proud of you achu.. tell me what exactly you ask..

Achu-Am i water Ma'am ? aur kya!!!!

And when he utters them in his own style... confident to the core...and with great pride for having mastered that 'Doosara shabdh'( which is his terminology for english)....i am left with no option other than digesting it as such...