Letter to the squirrel community

This is an ultimatum issued for the entire squirrel community...a warning to mend your ways...to treat your nerves...and to fix your brain...

 

The members of your species have failed to realize that evolution has not done much justice to you....neither physically nor intellectually... 

Yet...nothing stops you from rushing forward....and challenge the human race, their intellect, their sensibility and everything that holds their nerves together...

And somehow I feel...no...i truly believe..that I AM one of your special targets..the one that currently tops your hitlist!!!

There has been several encounters..none of them fake for sure...

Your comrades wait for me at several points on the 3 kilometer stretch that i pass each day...

 

Their strategy is the same...

1. Watch out for my Honda Pleasure....

2. When it comes into vicinty...dash for the road..as if you have to catch the metro on the other side..

3. Immedietly on reaching the centre point of the road.. with the Honda just an inch from your fur.... HALT!!!

4. Then  break into a jig..or maybe a salsa...( one guy even did the gagnam style!!!)

5. Glance back and make sure that the Honda has toppled..

6. Then race back and continue the bum shake from the safe side of the road...

 

As for me...its not only the brakes that have failed each time...but more so...my nerves!!!

 

I gained some insight into your psychology after watching ICE-AGE and the way two members of your species refused to let go of that nut (even as the movie progressed into its fourth phase) only left me more frustrated or rather terrorised!!!

 

The real terror happened when yesterday i saw one of you..at the centre of the road...crushed to death..with all viscera out !!!..(I SEARCHED AMONGST THE REMNANTS FOR A BRAIN AND AS EXPECTED..COULDN'T FIND ONE)..

 But then i realized to my horror....that you have shifted into the 'suicide attack' mode...and there lay the first member of your terrorist suicide cadre..

As for me...i am thinking of multiple strategies to face this threat..

1. Change the number plate

2. Put up an 'I surrender'placard with a white flag on the head light...(Not very heroic..but then.... i dont want martyrdom)

3. Hold a peace talk....with a member of another third species as the mediator ( maybe pigeons can help...You can relate easily to them  intellectually  and i too have certain regards for their pooping ability)

Any more suggestions are welcome...

LETS TALK THIS OUT...            

 

The return...

Our return to Delhi... though a big relief for us...has not at all done good to my blog.

The matchbox apartment (...of course so dear to my heart..) has gnawed into a lot of my emotional space as well...

Here stretching your legs, leave alone ur mind..is itself a challenge..

But whatever it may cost....i love Delhi..especially this campus...

It means a lot to me..

It is here that i built my dreams...fought for it..and now cherish it.

At Mau..definitely the air was more pure..the breeze more cool..the sky more bright..with rainbows to sight..

But somehow..i never felt a sense of belonging there...

I thank God for bringing us back here...It was just like coming home...

BUT NOT FOR ACHU...He had left Delhi when he was just one and a half..and had nothing here to identify with..

He missed his friends at Mau...and worst of all, here he had to undergo the draconian admission process..the magnitude of which even we could not anticipate..

The fact that we required an admission in prep and not nursery ..made things more difficult..coz vacancies were either limited or unavailable..

Here's the post mortem report...

The first battle of prep-

Venue- School auditorium( looking more like a mela ground with a riot of colours and perfumes)-

A big notice right at the entrance announced -"No Vacancies for the economically weaker section"..All other weaknesses were excused..

The watchman was doing the first level of screening using his own norms..which later we realized..is a privilege evry school in Delhi has endowed on their respective gatekeepers ..

We qualified...and made it till the building..

Immedietly, a wailing achu was escorted away by God-knows-who for a written test..

The prep admission test was for three complete hours!! What was more surprising was that Achu cleared it.

Next was the interview...

I have never attended a more solid interview till date. The interview board would even qualify UPSC criteria..going by their sincerity and authenticity...

Qn.1- Beta...tum kya karna sabse zyaada pasand kartha hein?

Beta- Sitting with a fixed glare----Nothing----

Qn. 2- Tv dekhthe hein?..(What a qn...)

Beta-(...after 3 min..)- Ha..

Qn.4- Which programme do you like?

Beta-..I like playing more than watching TV..

Qn.5- Phir bhi...cartoon tho dekhthe honge...

Beta- ( sitting stiff...without even letting his breath escape)- ......

Interview over...

With the result too obvious... a visibly upset appa and amma.. and a totally relaxed achu( joyous of having outsmarted the interview board by not giving away much of his confidential details...)..return home.

Amma- Achu, why didnt you tell ma'am about your favourite TV programme.

Achu- Then she would think that i am good only for that.

Amma- But you should have told her something...See..they wont give you admission now...

Achu- Is it? tab tho mujhe ye bolna chaahiye tha ki mein padaayi karna sabse zyaada pasand kartha hoon.They would have definitely taken me then.

The former was an obvious lie...but the latter was definitely the truth..

The second battle of prep-

At another school .. for interview..

Achu-(right at the entrance)- Come on, lets go back..i dont want to study here..its not good.

Amma- how do you know its not good ...you have never been here before.

achu- How do you know its good..you too have never been here before..

Amma- At least lets tell the principal and leave..

Principal's room..

Principal- hellooooo dear..what's ur name...

Only tears..no answers..

This time it was the principal's turn to be upset..we were better prepared..

Achu won a sympathy vote and got admission..

But he vehemently stood by his stand and refused the offer..

We lost the Rs.10,000 admission fee... which the school never refunded.

The third battle of prep

The school was in full session and the play ground was crowded..

Achu kept on scrutinizing the crowd and finally declared..'I dont want to study here'

Amma- Its a veryyyy good school achu..

Achu- No, it 's not..

By that time voices could be heard from across the wall..where the girl's school was seperately housed..

Achu- ( visibly excited)- They are there, amma!

But his plans never materialized coz school admissions were closed two months back itself...

But one lesson i learnt from that incident was tat only a co-ed school would suit achu..

Zeroed down to a single school..it was a nightmare for me till the results were out..

To my own disbelief..i lost two kg in a single fortnight ( ..a surprised Arun sincerely prayed for the results to be delayed a little further..)

Achu finally got admission ...because that school didnt have an interview at all...

This also brought back memories of his LKG interview at Mau-

Principal- How many eyes do you have?

Achu- Two..

principal-Hands?

Achu-Two..

Principal-Legs?

Achu- Sab do do he...

Principal- nose?

Achu-( after touching and feeling)- Arre..mera ek hii nose hein!!

Principal-( laughing heartily)- Sab ka uthna hii hotha hein achu..

Achu- (joining in the laughter)- Mein tho dar gaya tha....

Principal- OK Achu..tell me what you want to become when you grow up..

Achu- Bada hokke bhi mein achu hii rahna chaahtha hoon..mein aur kuch kyoun ban jaaoon...

Again laughter..

He joined school the next day...

Now that we are here..i don't think he will ever get a chance to speak his heart like this again...

Annual examination series

Subject- ' English Conversation'
Venue- Home, on exam eve

Amma- Lets practise few probable questions that may turn up tmrw, Achu
Qn 1- How old are you?
Achu- I'm fine, thank you.
Amma- listen properly...Its not How are you, its How OLD are you?
Achu-Tumko mein bahut OLD dikh raha he kya?
Amma- Achu, it means.. u ve to tell ur age...
Achu- There are 4 years old..
Amma- No No No.. Its ' I am 4 years old'
Achu- Tiik he, bas karo.. next question please

Amma-How many legs do animals have?
Achu- which animal?
Amma- hmmm.... say for eg. Cow?
Achu- closing his eyes and slowly counting...- 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
Amma- Where did you find the 5th leg?
Achu- Hotha hein, tum dhyaan nahin diya hoga..

Amma- What is the colour of your uniform?
Achu- White shirt, blue shorts, red belt and white chaddi.

Of achu, amma and nataraj..

Achu ( pointing to the inscription on his red and black striped pencil)- Amma, what is this?
Amma- It says 'Nataraj'
Achu- Throwing the pencil on the floor- 'Why should i write with Nataraj's pencil... u give me mine!!!'

I surrender!!!

Amma- Achu , where are you?
Achu- Mein ' Go and wash your hands kar raha hoon'!!!

Amma- achu, have u finished your drawing?
( he has been sitting with his colouring set for the past one hour.. but with only half the tail ofthe kite coloured)
amma- if you are not in a mood for this now, u better leave it
Achu- chup!!! iskeliye bahut coction ka zarroorat hein
amma- did you mean concentration?
achu-ha ha.. woh he... amma mujhe lag raha hein ki ek din main zaroor ek painter ban jaoge!!..
amma- ( glancing repeatedly at the half tail and at him ..) -really?
Achu ( giving a questioning look)- kuch shak he?
amma- not at all!!


Achu ( lying down for sleeping)- amma, shall i narrate a story for you today..
amma- so sweet of you achu
Achu ( in a dramatic whisper) - Once there was a lion...!!! ..a pause follows...I open my eyes in anticipation...
Achu- Once there was a lion, amma. bas ... abhi chup chaap so jao!!!

Amma- ( again during bed time)- did you say ur prayers achu
Achu- ' God, please dont send any witches in my dream today...why you are making me tell you this again and again"...Then slowly lowering his voice-" God today let there be only girls in my dream!!!


Achu- ( watching a stray dog with lots of blisters on its skin)- Seems his mother is too careless and has given him a bath in verry hott water...

Divine interventions.....

I should admit that we ve never talked or referred about religion, in any form, to Achu..But he has admirable clarity on this topic..and in fact.. he keeps reminding me of some of these religious-fundamentals and warns me NEVER to supercede God's decisions...

A few of those DIVINE INTERVENTIONS ...

1. God never punishes kids

2. When there is a fighting between 2 kids .. God would support the smaller one..

3. If both the kids are of the same age( like how most of his friends are), they will have to fight it out till the end ..themselves.., coz God will be too confused to take a stand

4. When God gets VERRYYYYY angry , he disconnects the internet connection ...then no more online games!!!

5. In Mau, sky is too open.. and God has the extra advantage of seeing EVERYTHING...( that way.. Delhi is much more safe)

6. God never does susu or potty.. and hence wouldnt have ever worn a diaper..

Number skills...

I read somewhere that we should start inculcating mathematical skills in a child right from when he is 3 months old...
I scorned at the statement then....
But friends...dont be a fool like me..There is an element of truth behind it...the main reason being that they can only listen to you then ...and cannot stump you with out-of-the-blue answers...
A few excerpts for your proof..

Excercise 1
Amma- Achu, what comes after 3?
Achu ( with genuine interest)- 3 na?...( Then goes into deep thought.. or so his mother thinks.. coz he stares into her face .. widening his eyes...without even a blink..)..
A minute or two passes...
Amma- ( patting him in encouragement) Yes Achu.. come on...
Achu- Shut up and let me concentrate...
Another two minutes..
Amma-What exactly are you thinking?...My question was what comes after 3...
Achu- ( fully irritated) This you should have told me before.. See.. now i have to count all over again...
Amma-( Swallowing hard and holding her breath for a second ..)-OK.. Ok...just tell me the number that follows three...
Achu-( with a very serious enquiring expression..) Tum ko kya lag raha hey?...3 ke baad kya ho sakhtha hey?
A thud and a scream follows...


Exercise 2
Amma- What comes after 20
Achu - ( In a flash of a second)-40
Amma- With an unusual patience- No Achu --its 21
Achu- ( in a heavy bhojpuri accent)..Kyon ..40 phir 20 se pehle aatha hey kya?

Exercise 3
Amma-Circle the biggest number-2,6, 8
Achu- 8.. and promptly circles it
Amma- Excellent Achu- Now do this 4,7, 1
Achu-1... and hurriedly circles it.
Amma- How did you conclude that 1 is bigger than 4 and 7
Achu- Log zyada tharah biggest number last mein hii likhthe hein..

Sometimes.. in desperation...i turn to his father for some help..which is totally denied ..with the excuse that the damage has been caused by the 23 chromosomes inherited from the mother( experimentally proven.. and he has sufficient valid data to support the hypothesis)..and so the responsibility of fixing it too lies entirely with the mother....
Well...so be it...